Well hello world. I thought I'd come back to my dear little Xanga, which I have to admit I have neglected lately. But, I'm here to rectify that. I just had to come share my wonderful weekend with someone, and who better than my Xanga site? Well, I tell people too, but thats besides the point.

I Had a wonderful time. Amos and Jameson came up to see me, which was great. All things aside, they're fun guys to hang out with no matter what, and you're always guarenteed a smile. An it was wonderful to see my baby. They came up friday night, and so got lost trying to find sixth and main. Not realizing, on any of our parts, that theres a SE sixth and main and a SW sixth and main, on different sides of the river. I was at SW. They went looking for me at SE. But we got things squared away. That night we all crashed at Amy and I's place and we all drank. That was amusing, and tasty.

But no, I didnt come on here to give details, really. It just, it was a wonderful weekend, and I'm going to have some fantastic memories to carry with me for a long time now. Things that I know will make me smile when I'm sitting bored off my ass. It's nice to be with someone, for the first time in my life, who actually cares about me as a person. Someone who listens to me even when I'm being stupid, or when I talk abotu things i know no one wants to hear. Someone who holds you after a nightmare and doesnt make you feel stupid for crying over it. Or who puts up with you and your best friends fight even though it's totally ridiculious.

Ok, now I'm rambling. It's just the first time in forever that I can smile and say I'm happy. An I like that. Well, now, I'll stop before I get too mushy. On a different note, I got my tongue pierced. Man it feels so odd right now. Swollen. Tender. :| An I have to go work in a call center today, lmao. Try saying Cingular with a lisp ;)

Well I think I'll head out to shower. I know I need one, lol. An maybe find something to practice chewing with for breakfast. Gotta learn how to chew my food all over again. :| Everyone, have a safe and good day!

Lord, it's another day. Fourty-three minutes into another day, to be exact. :P But who actually gets technical at this time of night? Or would it be morning? Hm. Interesting. Again, though, with the technicalities.

As you might be able to tell I am slightly tired. Though I'm not quite ready for bed. No, its not my usual late night procrastination. I've done all my nightly chats. I spoke with Amos, and with Cherry. Those two I talk to pretty much every night. :) Also I spoke with Allie, who I speak with once a week no matter what, and more than that if I can manage. I even checked in with some of my associates, though I doubt any who read this will understand that, and business is well as usual.

So why am I awake still when I should be sleeping before work tomorrow? That is SUCH a good question! Nerves, a little. I'm nervous about this job. Nervous about a lot of things. My coming up paycheck. I am going to live interestingly for the next week-and-a-half. Because I have rent to pay with this paycherck, as much as possible. An bus money. I can live without the grocceries, as much as it might piss off Amy or Anne to see me do it. I just wont eat anything I don't buy. Which means living off of cereal. I love my Raisin Bran.

You do what you have to. It's a part of life. An maybe, when I get things figured out with Vesta, if needed I can always get a night job. But I think that once I get in the swing of thigns my paychecks will work out right. My tax return would be nice. That would help pay off old debts, and hold me over well enough to survive. But I wont be getting that any time soon. Go figure. Moms having issues filing it.

I hate the whole life and money thing. Pain in the ass, I say. But, again, you do what you have to. I can tide myself over with dreams. I know that they are just that; dreams. But still, they're fun to indulge in. Even if that kind of lifestyle isn't made for a person like me.

Would you like tos ee it? It's relaxing, for me. Something I use as a mental image sometimes when I meditate. Yeah, yoga geek. So what. Shush.

I want a yard one day, where I can step out back and not worry about running into people. Anit-social, you might say. Think what you want. Imagine walking out there to see only grass and trees and green all around you. A mockingbird trilling in the trees. The sky is so bright a blue you feel like you're stepping into a painting. No shoes, so the grass is soft beneath your feet. Once in a while you can see a deer in the trees, eating the apples or blackberries.

No matter what your feet always take you down the same worn trail that you've walked a million times before. So familiar there's no need to think as you walk; only enjoy your surroundings. Just, be. In the end, you come to your favorite spot. Down by a creek, where the water rushes, and you can climb up on that mossy rock you love and let your feet dangle in the icy water.

Ok, so I'm a nerd. Sue me. But I had parts of that at my old house. Used to keep me sane when I was younger. Helped when I was with Brian too. When we lived in his actual house there was a creek nearby. I used to go hide there when he was furious until it was safe to go back. Sometimes it would mean that when I got home we could just go on as normal; go to bed. Other times it would mean his fists would come harder. But, that was all a part of life, and far from my fantasy I was weaving.

Look at me. Even typing I babble on. Isn't that sad? I could easily hit the backspace key and erase all my nonsense. But what fun is there in that? How is that me? What is me is what comes out of my mind through my fingers and onto this here, well, paper so to speak. Unedited Valerie. Lord help us all that this exists. LoL.

Not many people can handle me once I decide to let down all of my guards and just be me. I always have some form of something up to keep parts of myself safe, or hidden, or something. I don't think I've just relaxed and been myself in such a long time. There are still times that I'm afraid that I don't know who the real me is anymore, I've put on a show long enough that it's become a reality for me. Does that make any sense? Have you ever pretended to be someone else for so long that it's just who you are? Who you become?

Meh. It's me that I show to everyone. Just, parts of me. Not really an act anymore. I mean, my friends do know who I am. But I just keep the parts of myself that I dont want out there, tucked away. There are parts of me that I know others will reject. That I know wont be accepted. So what's the point in putting them out there, I say. Why put out something that you know others are just going to make fun of? What's the point in that, to open yourself to that kind of pain?

Wow. I've typed quite a monolouge here. Amazing what can happen when I have the freedom to just type. Now, wouldn't THAT be a heavenly job. To be paid to do the one thing in the world that means more to me than anything. To be paid to do what is just an extension of myself. Something that I can't live without. Write. For that, I would need talent. :) Not just simple enjoyment out of creating a story. But the ability to put what I think and know onto paper, and to ocme up with my own original ideas.

Good question. Are there original story lines anymore, or is every writer out there jsut take a used story and twisting it to suit themselves? Dont all stories hold a part of an old tale in them? Are there any true story lines left?

I think I've given enough tonight. As you can tell, my mind is very full. Hence why I am still awake, which is where this box all started at. Sigh. I should go to bed. I have work tomorrow.

Should, could, might, wont. Who knows. I Have an idea bubbling in my head, and you all know how I get when a story wants free. Im using the lyrics to "Shes doesn't dance" by Mark McGuinn for the story line. Good song. I especialy like the line "I Thought 'God I hate that woman, but I love the one at home..'" Yeah. Good stuff. You'll understand if you know the song.

Ok, I'm serious now! I'm going.

Really. I promise

........

...

Maybe I'll read for a while. There's always coffee to wake me up tomorrow.

I think this is always the saddest part of my day. Going to sleep and waking up. Both are things I hate to do alone (don't you dare think sexually you pervs). I'm no whore, in need of a man to validate my life. But nor am I a person who enjoys living alone. I like the companionship and security that comes from falling asleep beside and waking up next to someone you trust. Someone you know wont stab you with a needle while you're sleeping. Or wake you up by grabbing your hair and yanking you down the hallway..

Yeah, lets not get started.

Ok, now, for real. I'm out. Night all. Peace. Love and other outdoor sprots (I love you Dijon!) and all that jazz.